She Rests to Create

I feel this piece has been yearning to come through me for a few months, yet, in all honesty, I have not had the words or the energy to express what has been so deeply felt. Recently, the words started to come through me in moments and dreams, so I realised that it was time. People have been reaching out to me feeling overwhelmed, confused, and as if there is a feeling of falling into the abyss with nothing to hold on to. I resonate. At times, energies have been fierce, confusing and intense. So I write, not only for my own therapy, for others too, as a gentle reminder to all, that you are not alone... that what you feel, is true, and that it is all ok. All feelings and emotions are valid, and necessary, and beautiful. And it’s time to be vulnerable, to ask for help, even when the darkness takes over. These times are when you need more love than ever.

My journey since Peru has been huge, and so I’m sharing pieces of my heart and soul with you, because I’m not one to pretend or portray that everything is ok, when it’s not. If we see each other happy and shining on social media, this isn’t often the truth of the present moment, and the portrayal of a “picture perfect” life to others can lead to comparison and so much thwarted illusion. That’s what can get us into a mess internally, even if we don’t show it to those around us. And even though social media has it’s benefits like spreading awareness and consciousness to the masses, it can have its distractions and darkness, becoming toxic when used improperly, or out of balance with the rest of our lives. It’s become an unhealthy addiction for many of us.

What I’m learning to understand more and more, through the uncovering and unraveling of yet more layers of my being, is that it’s all perfect and divine; all the darkness, all the light, all the muck that comes with it, and everything in-between. Even when it’s really fucking uncomfortable, nothing needs to be changed or moved, we simply have to “be” with it. So often we try to reject, suppress, deny, and “let go” of all that is arising in ourselves without really feeling it, yet this is the very thing that keeps us stuck and drains our life force. If we allow ourselves the beauty of stillness to feel and be with it all, and remember to breathe, and connect to our inner selves, in full acceptance of what’s alive, this process in itself shifts the energy and revives our life force, giving space for newness and creation. Spirit can finally drop in and you are open to receive from this place.

The more still I become, the more creative ideas come. The more space I create, the more that comes towards me. The more I sit in my heart, the more I am met by beautiful reflections that offer the same heart resonance. I have so much gratitude in my heart for this space and time, even when I’ve felt like I was in a storm that would never end…I remembered…

Personally, death and rebirth is strong in my chart, so you would think I’d get used to it somehow. Falling and then picking myself up again, moving and starting all over again, relationships ending... all of it. I was told once that my soul wants to evolve and learn certain lessons so I create these experiences for my own growth. Whether consciously or not, I attract them because on a soul level I want to learn. I’m learning to move through it all with presence and as much grace as possible, after all, I am, and you are, the creator of your own reality... so know that when it’s all happening, it’s happening FOR you, not to you. It’s all a reflection. And someone once told me, the ones that hurt you the most, are the ones that actually love you the most. This has always reminded me that there is a higher force at work, and to hold everything and everyone with unconditional love.

This winter I’ve been in another death/rebirth phase. After years of chasing the sun, I consciously chose to move with the seasons, and be in my winter cocoon; little did I know how much it was needed. The energy of these cooler and quieter months have brought with them huge pieces of silence, stillness and the space to go internal. Taking time to go into deep introspection and integration of all that has been experienced in recent years. Understanding that trauma can be stored in the body for years before it finally comes to the surface to be felt, to be healed. Hibernation is such a necessary part of this human existence. If we continue to chase the sun and the light, we don’t allow ourselves the essential part of going inwards, before the next expansion comes. So if you find yourself wanting to run towards the next training, the next ceremony, the next experience, I invite you to sit deeply with your why… have you allowed yourself the time to integrate everything so far, to truly allow it to sink into your being, so that it can be fully embodied?

A part of this life is experiencing all of these transitions and transformations. It makes sense that what expands, must contract; what goes high must go low. These are the natural laws and rhythms of life. We must travel into the darkness to find the light. We must root into the earth to reach the sky. And we must connect with our inner selves to also connect to Spirit. However, being in the process of all of this can be highly disorienting, confusing, painful, and sometimes it doesn’t make any sense at all. People fall away. Places change. The external shifts often reflect the internal shifts.

I’ve been learning that when the darkness comes, the more I embrace its sensations, the more I find its beautiful wisdom that is just waiting patiently to come through me; this is the medicine. Rather than thinking that something is wrong or needs healing, allowing the shifts to be exactly as they are. That doing nothing and simply being changes the whole experience. I say everything, by doing nothing. I receive everything, by being in stillness. Time has been spent in nature, in silence, in ritual and prayer, in communication with Source. We learn in this life, mostly by experience. So when I feel the universe challenging me, I ensure I walk my talk and remember to laugh at the cosmic joke of it all. Humour in these times is imperative to our wellbeing, so I remember to laugh at myself too.

It’s been yet another process of rewriting all the old belief systems in my being, which I see isn’t going to happen overnight, and it won’t happen in one fell swoop either. Year’s worth of conditioning will take years to unravel and transform. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the fear of survival that we have forgotten how to just be. To do nothing. This is a different kind of surrender…it’s deeper and rooted in trust and faith in something bigger than our physical existence. We’re a lucky generation to have access to so many different tools that help us to bring awareness to all these parts of ourselves, whilst also knowing and accepting exactly where we are without the need to change anything. Divine timing will do all the work, so just be exactly where you are, in every given moment. Keep giving it over to the universe. Trust.

Nothing needs to be forced and we certainly don’t need to be creating from a place of lack or need. This Mercury Retrograde and New Moon, both in Pisces, allows us that energy of connecting deeply to our emotional wellbeing and to what’s really behind the energy of what we are bringing forth into our lives. Are your creations coming from a place of heart and joy, or are they coming from a place of fear and need? Gone is the time of creating from fear, old paradigms are crumbling away; we are in huge transitions of planetary change and healing. We are coming to a place of great change. In these times it’s necessary for us to be in deep connection to ourselves. As we resonate with the frequencies of our Mother Earth, it is our duty more than anything to be in deep reverence, to be humble, to be compassionate, to be real and to be at peace with our inner being.  

We came here to be, we came here to create, and we came here to remember who we truly are. It’s time…

In humble gratitude and with love as always
x