Fine Tuning... Peru - Part 2

The last couple of months I have felt a collective purge happening. Anyone that is on their journey of “awakening” or slightly conscious of their path has had to go through, or is going through, what I believe is a huge clearing, of sorts. And for those that aren’t in alignment with their truth will be in all sorts of crazy around this time. Emotionally, mentally, physically, things are surfacing to be seen, there is no more escaping from the truth, and things are needing to shift NOW, before this new energy of 2020 comes in. If you want things to change, you don’t want to be carrying this old shit with you into this new cycle. And it’s been strong. It’s been uncomfortable and confronting. Personally, it’s meant shutting myself away and getting quiet, a lot of self-enquiry, a lot of tears, and a lot of physical pain as things shift throughout the layers of my being.

I’ve been honing in and fine tuning every single part of me.

Slowly, gently, becoming more acutely aware of every little emotion, interaction and process.

Layer upon layer stripped away to reveal my truth and what I’m really here to do.

Shifting perspectives, evolving, waking…

Dreams have been vivid and message carriers. One night I dreamt I was living my whole life in a parallel universe, so much so that when I woke up in “this reality” (who really knows) I actually had no idea where I was and it took me a few seconds to remember, “Oh yeah, I live in Ibiza right now, ok!” It was almost as if I’d lived an entire days work throughout the night, there was no separation and I wasn’t rested, time to get to work in this reality now. One night I received the message to take my Mesa to bed with me and the Puma came to visit me in dream space. He came with a strong message and reconnected me to myself and to all that I received in Peru.

I remember one particular journey in Peru, the land and the portal we visited was so potent and powerful that I felt nauseous for 24 hours leading up to it. The morning before we arrived there I woke from an emotional dream and it sparked the tears to fall again. Once we got to the space that we would sit all day, my entire being wanted to run away, I couldn’t stand the intensity of how uncomfortable I felt. I saw it was a metaphor for my life, wanting to run away from uncomfortable situations. Rather than sit knee deep in them, and allowing them to move through me, I would want to escape them. I lay on the earth and the messages came through loud and clear… it was as if the medicine was rewriting my every cell. “You are a dancer, a creator, an artist, you forgot who you are!” she screamed. “Remember who you are and love every part of her.” The medicine worked through me on a cellular level, it was almost as if I was being painted with a self-love brush, invited to love every part of myself, the darkness and the light. I was being totally rewritten, or perhaps just remembering. I was being drawn to be in full acceptance of myself. No more judgment, no more shaming, only love.

It’s amazing what we store in the body. I’ve often talked about how our physical body is speaking to us, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes loudly. It’s always guiding us closer to ourselves to show us where we are in disharmony within ourselves. I’ve done much self healing from this space and witnessed transformations in clients with this level of work. I remember stating in Peru that November and December would be months of getting still, integrating and resting, and just being. Well, be careful what you wish for! In November, what started with this in mind, slowly crept back into old habits of wanting to do and then do some more. My body was speaking to me, “be still”, she said. I had to move house and there were things to get done, and without going into all the details, I pushed myself to the point that I was physically unable to move, and I had no other option but to be still. I had my wish. So there I was… finally getting still and allowing more integration to happen; it’s still happening.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I have begun to write, yet it seems to go nowhere, and nothing really makes sense. Words pour through me in moments, an endless stream of thoughts, poems, lists, sentences that go nowhere, yet everywhere. I have books wanting to be written, with no real intention behind them, just to create space and peace in my mind from the incessant dialogue that runs through me during my waking hours. 

In my darkest moments, I’m in physical agony, I doubt myself, I doubt the words that want to be expressed, I even doubt life itself. The beauty, the crazy magic, the moments that take my breath away. I go into overwhelm and everything feels too intense to face. Everyone has something to say, something to share. I find beauty in this, yet a crushing feeling around my heart. It’s breaking, yet breaking wide open at the same time. I observe it all. I want to sit on the earth and feel her breathing as I reconnect to my own heartbeat. I want to stop for a minute just so that I can hear her speak. I want to merge with her so that we can breathe in harmony. To be in humbleness and deep reverence to her wisdom and everything that she holds in pure of heart. To be a witness to all that is unfolding. To finally be at peace with all the stories and to trust in it all. I’m only human. There is no need to look back in longing or regret, only gratitude, for all that came before was all in perfect time and in divine synchronicity, of course, it always has been. I know that the beauty lays in the void, in the silence, in the space that is created here. Inspiration comes when I fully let go and say “show me; show me the way to go”.

And the way you look at me, and those eyes, that see right into my soul. I’m feeling. I’m feeling it all. I have no other choice but to fully let go of the reigns. To completely surrender into the arms of those that are there to catch me when I am totally on my knees. The pain so intense I can’t move, I can’t scream your name to come and catch me, but you feel me and appear, you wrap your arms around me as the tears stream down my cheeks. I let go a little more. And I fall into nothing but deep gratitude for everything.

In those moments, I am in deep surrender to it all; surrendering to myself, to you, to Spirit. What needed to be felt, to be seen, to be heard. I’d been hiding from you for so long. Finding excuses and distractions to be anywhere, to be anything, but this. To seek shelter in another, in a place, in a space where I can just speak and be out of my mind. Out of the feeling, the feeling that was so desperately wanting to be felt and that was ready to emerge from the depths of my soul. Ready to clear. No more could I run from the truth. Another layer ready to shed away. Initiation after initiation; through teachers, through ceremony, through life. The unexpected. Illness. The soul so ready to be seen. I see you, she said. I’m fine tuning. I’m accepting all that is, exactly as it is.

I don’t know what’s next and I don’t know what’s coming, but I know that when I let go of control and fear and the need to know it all... I create space. Space for life to show me... and magic happens…I trust again. I am in full gratitude for the beauty that surrounds me in every moment. I remember… to be gentle, to be kind, to be compassionate. To be loving and to allow…to come back to simplicity again and again…

Tell me, beloved ones, do you resonate?

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