Motherland... To be, or not to be, a Mother...

When I was a young girl, you could say, I was a little obsessed with babies. If they were in my presence, I simply couldn’t get enough of them and I would just want to hold them and love them and keep them safe in my arms. I had dolls that I would push along in prams and I would love to dress them, feed them, and protect them, much like most little girls, I imagine. Even though I was quite a Tom boy, I had that innate calling in myself, even then, to be a mama. It gave me so much pleasure to look after my baby dolls, especially my little bald boy, a Cabbage Patch doll I called Sam, who was with me for years, haha! He gave me a sense of purpose and I had this unconditional love for him as a child. He came everywhere with me.

Now, I have friends that have had babies in their early twenties; I have some that didn’t have their first one until 40. I have friends that have been through terminations, miscarriages and even tragically lost babies at birth. I have friends with 4 children, and some that have chosen not to have them at all. “What?.... you don’t want to be a mother?”, they get asked.... well, we all have a choice, remember, and I celebrate those friends that have chosen not to, as much as I celebrate those that are mothers. I honour each and every one of you and the wonderful women you are.

I’ve witnessed as friends have suffered with postnatal depression, regrets, and struggled into motherhood, whilst others have flourished and grown and transformed as a mother. Each unique story, for me, as an observer, a learning and a lesson. Has witnessing those around me had an impact and influenced my choices? Perhaps. Although, all I feel right now is, having a baby is a life long choice and commitment, not just something you should do because society tells you it’s now or never. You have to feel the deep calling within yourself, not your surroundings.

We now live in an age when women are supposed to be, well, everything it seems! A successful career woman, a wonderful mother, wife, sister, auntie, best friend; a super fit yogi, health conscious, wise and powerful woman sharing her knowledge and voice. What happened to just, being… ?

I recently had a conversation with a 38 year old, single woman that is freezing her eggs and looking into having a baby on her own. She asked if I had kids, then asked my age, and then proceeded to say, “well, if I was you, I’d be getting my eggs tested and checking it out, ya know, if you want to have kids one day, I wish I’d done it at 35” Arghhhhhh… ok now we can start quite a debate on this subject.

Firstly, each to their own and I make no judgments on anyone’s choices they make for their own life. Secondly, maybe I could’ve chosen to be a mother in the past, but I’ve consciously chosen not to, because I’ve chosen to work on me instead, and wait until the time is right. Perhaps being a mother is something I don’t desire any more (this isn’t true, but a stranger doesn’t know me well enough to know this when commenting on my life choices!). Also, perhaps I don’t agree with freezing eggs and living in a place of fear, and messing with nature and her natural rhythms. Perhaps I don’t want to force something in my body and maybe I’m open to life giving me exactly what I need at any given time. Perhaps I feel there are enough children in this world, and if I did come to the place of wanting one, but wasn’t able to have my own, then maybe I would adopt and save a child.

I guess it shocks me that some women can still be so judgmental, or force their opinion on another woman. These are your sisters, my loves; she is you, only experiencing life differently. We, as women, should be celebrating and supporting each other’s choices, always. Whether we agree with them or not, each of us have our own unique journey and story unfolding.

Personally, leading up to the age of 27, I couldn’t wait to be a mother. It was definitely up there with one of the top things I thought about; “When can I just be a mum?!”, I would think to myself. I watched as some friends had babies in their early twenties, planned and unplanned, whilst I was a far cry away from having one myself. I wondered if and when it would happen for me… Then at 28 something shifted and I did a total 180; kids became the absolute bottom of the list, definitely don’t want, OMG, can’t think of anything worse, no no no, kind of vibes!! I had work to do, places to explore and life to experience. And now, as a 35 year old woman, my body is talking to me more and more and she knows and feels something my mind is yet to catch up with…

For years I wanted a little girl, I think most women secretly do want a mini me. I’m aware this may sound a little crazy, but that’s pretty normal coming from me.... about 2 years ago I started having strong dreams and visions in which a little spirit baby boy came to me. He is the purest little soul I have ever held in my dream space and he feels so real, I know he is there waiting to come through, if I so wish. The love I feel for him is beyond anything I have ever felt. He is pure love and I am pure love in having him. So no, I am not a mother, yet, and perhaps I never will be, but right now, I’m ok with not knowing, and I trust that my journey will guide me in the right way. If a little soul wants to come through, then he will, at the perfect time. And he will come through with purpose and strength and light.

Becoming a mother, I can only imagine, must be the most incredible, awakening, most challenging, yet beautiful, transformative, loving, and amazing experience a woman can go through. Of course, I would absolutely love to experience motherhood, and I’m pretty certain, if I chose to, I could. I’m healthy, I make conscious choices, and I trust my life.

I’m not quite sure what sparked this piece today, perhaps conversations and things I have been witnessing recently, but what I do want to share is this, for those living in a space of fear, and wondering, “will I ever be a mother?”… this is mainly for you….

Trust your life. If you desire to be a mother, use your powers to call it in. Believe in your powers to manifest and create. Talk to your womb. Nourish her in all ways. Make healthy choices. Love yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself daily, “you are such a beautiful mama.” Believe that you will become one, all in divine time. We really do create our own realities. Step out of those places of fear and remember who you are and who you came here to be. Trust and Surrender. Pray. Without force, know. Celebrate the mothers around you and love the woman that you are. You are more powerful than you give yourself credit for. Drop all the societal bullshit that surrounds you and just listen to and trust your own body, it’s all in you. Fear will only create fear. Love will create love. Simple.

I love you sisters  

xxx